Dear Addict Contribution
Posted by
h2oforthegaslit
Posted on: 05/14/08
Dear Addict Contribution
You know, looking back, I think I was just fighting a major depression. Pain pills made me happy. And when I was happier, I thought that I was better. I was a better mother, a better wife, a better friend - you get the idea. I was so sad inside that I really believed being high on opiates made me a better person than the person I was while sober. Addiction whispered that lie to me and I wrapped my arms around it, heralding the lie as sound truth for many years after. But believing drugs made me better was the second lie addiction told.The first lie addiction tells is the most dangerous. The first lie addiction told me was that I could pop a pill every now and then and never become chemically dependent. I remembered reviewing pictures in 8th grade health class that revealed a strung out, homeless creature who sat on a curb somewhere in LA, his nose half rotted off, his skeletal body showing through worn, ratty clothes - and I believed there was no way in hell I could ever become an ignorant, filthy dope head.
Believing that first lie was as easy as believing the sun would rise the following morning. I mean, how in the hell could someone not see that they were growing into such a monster? I believed the examples of strung out messes on the streets of America in the 1980's were people who chose to be the self-afflicted outcasts of society. But see, that's the way the majority of American educators and parents unknowingly pushed my generation to believe back then: addiction was a choice, not a disease with symptoms and relapse and withdrawal and daily battles to become well by becoming sicker.
Though well-intended, the educational and parental misguidance through drug awareness campaigns of the past left many of my generation with an absolute and completely false sense of security over the fact that we would never choose to become such a devilish, criminal outcast that drug addicts were repeatedly portrayed to be. The results of this prominent misunderstanding have speckled and spotted my life with a guilt and shame that I then buried with the temporary peace of being high over and over again. We drug addicts were taught that a person can choose not to be that strung out, homeless creature. We drug addicts were taught that we would never, ever become a monster if we didn't choose to become one by being a drug addict.
Somewhere, somehow, they didn't know to tell me that it would not be my choice. They did not know that they should teach me that for some people, drugs would become the single, most important pursuit of each waking moment. They didn't know that some of their students should be taught that using drugs could lead to an addiction they could not begin to understand. For some, an addiction in which all attempts to satisfy the constant need for the drug pushes them into accepting a world of actions that, had they been allowed a glimpse into the possible future while sitting in 8th grade health class, would have left them howling in fear, being shown the picture of what they would become.
And what I became would have given the 8th grade version of myself post-traumatic stress disorder had I been able to peer into the future from that seat in health class. From Lortab, to Methadone, pharmaceuticals to crystal meth, smiling mother of beautiful daughters to a convicted drug trafficker hardened from interacting with people who were . . . well, just like me . . . I changed into a strung-out, loveless creature who would have been concerned with sitting on a curb somewhere only because a Jefferson County Sheriff may see me crazy high and dealing meth, the ignorant, selfish, filthy-minded and hard-heartened dope head I indeed did not choose to be.
And every day I would choose a normal, sober, sane, nice-smelling life if the persistent screams of knowing how happy the high could make me would just leave my thoughts. After believing the lie of the high - the lie of addiction - it is never the same life again.
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you are incredible and an ispiration girl, thanks for participating and adding so much to dear addict cheers, kimberly
h2oforthegaslit
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