Buffy the Fire Ant Slayer

I am not so pompous that I would call myself “Jack of All Trades, Master of None,” but I do know a few good things about a few good things. And now add one more: Fire Ant Slayer.

I was cleaning up my back yard and spotted a wayward piece of sheet metal lying on the ground that had been previously left on a single-axle car dolly I sold to a friend last week. Granted, I usually flip large objects over before lifting or moving them in the yard, as I have had my share of running from Black Widow spiders and various kinds of snakes (except Rattlers – they usually smell like a goat, I was taught as a young southern hunter in dark woods, Alabama – HIIEE-YAH!- take that)!

But today, I suppose I wanted to live on the wild side - the bumpy, blistered, red-rising, insect-bite-my-ass side – because I just haven’t had a good ol’ BUG BITE since I was, I don’t know, twelve or thirteen?

Before I knew what the heck I was doing, the wayward piece of sheet metal was in the air above my head, on its way to the high side of my deck, and- WHAT THA- I felt little specks of something falling all over me. Ever had that burst of raw panic that engulfs you when you realize that the most idiotic choice you could muster has landed you right slap dab in the middle of a hoard of insects or monstrous enemies of some sort? I dropped the wayward piece of sheet metal somewhere in the yard and took off running for my back door, flailing my arms around and chanting “Oh God, help me!” over and over. I was wearing a light colored t-shirt before the fire ants fell from the sheet metal to my my head upper torso, and after, the t-shirt was blackened with many biting ants!

I happened to make it inside before coming out of my clothes. The scene was probably comical, looking like Ace Ventura when he thought he had bats in his hair – of course, I did have tiny monsters in my hair. After jumping in the shower and looking myself over in the mirror about twenty times, the war was on!

I dug fire ant killer and every insecticide and garden bug killer, even flying bug/wasp spray from the garage and manned myself with a high-powered sprayer hose, a cigarette lighter, and a gallon or so of gasoline and approached the anthills in my back yard. Neighbors have now dubbed me “Buffy the Fire Ant Slayer,” and with good reason. Not a hill was left standing. Most of my grass is burnt away, too.

I have learned a great lesson from this, however. One is that those anthills can be very deep in the ground and it may not be a good idea to load them with gas and set them ablaze. The other lesson? Praying “Oh God, help me,” while running and flailing your arms can do great good: I only ended up with five bites from the little devils :)